Doubt
by Arosain
Summary: Magnus has faked his death to try and persuade himself he doesn't need Alec, but as he remember his life now with Alec, he realizes he doesn't know what to do with himself if he left him...


Hello everyone, Stironstep here. This will probably be my last post on this account, I have moved everything onto that account and am in the process of fading this account, please check it out, I have other fics there and a new author has joined so there is way more fluff and i'm covering more fandoms. If you are interested in Teen Wolf, My Hero Academia, more Shadowhunters and probably soon some Doctor Who, please go check me out.

Magnus gazed down at the crowd that had assembled below in the valley. Most huddled together in separate crowds, the quiet chatter piercing the solemn air. They stood apart from the other groups everybody unwilling to interact with another group. They weren't the most impressive crowds, it was quite sad actually. He had definitely attracted bigger crowds, like that one time he was drunk in Paris… That, was definitely a story for another time. Most people were there for the purpose of their public image anyways. He was certainly not the most liked Downworlder in the area. Well he might be but Downworlders weren't that popular in the first place.. Plus, they didn't know the half of it. As for what the other half was, it was that Magnus was alive because what they were all gathered for was his funeral.

He looked down to the ground he was kneeling on, running his hands in the damp grass. He felt a little bad doing this… actually he didn't, not for all those Downworlders standing in the misty fog, faking their sympathy and tears. Pathetic! He scowled, why come in the first place if you don't care.

This actually didn't take that long to stage. He made a replica of himself and played him right into the den of a demon. Voila! Magnus Bane dies to a Greater demon. Simple. If you thought hard enough, you would realize it was fake. It wasn't an open casket, there was no body after all and no other warlocks came. A few vampires did, but that was because of strings he pulled from Raphael. He had to make it seem reasonably realistic. They were all informed of this of course, it would not be good if he popped back a hundred years after and they still recognised him.. He told them he had ties he had to cut, to start anew, they didn't really know the whole truth though. Now that he thought about it, nobody did. That is, that he had to convince Alexander that he was dead. He looked down from the hill he was on again, down at the groups huddled in the rain. It was sprinkling and the overcast sky drew the world in shades of grey. Most were downworlders that he was acquainted with, just there to show some respect to the High Warlock of Brooklyn. They all wore black, their color of mourning, all except the one standing in the back, almost all hidden in the shadows who wore an ivory white suit. He stood out from the crowd, not just because of the odd color of choice but for the black marks coloring his skin. _Different _he basically screamed. It was quite obvious from the white mourning colors and the runes standing out on his gorgeous pale skin, for Magnus thought he was gorgeous. He stuck out like a sore thumb, a shadowhunter in the midst of Downworlders, all there for the first time. From the messy black hair that he loved playing with to those piercing bright blue eyes that he could stare in for hours and not get bored, how could he not fall in love? He constantly marveled at his eyes as they were one of the most mesmerizing things ever. Not like his cat eyes which was a freak of nature, but a striking blue. They held so much emotion and kindness it was overwhelming. It still is.

He wasn't supposed to be here, he usually left before then, to disappear for some years and go somewhere else. It worked many times before but he couldn't stay away, not for that last chance of seeing his Alexander. He first saw him first at his party with the other Shadowhunters. The cold blonde killer who stood in the front commanding everyone while always stealing glances at Clary, it was obvious he was in love and the hot sister looking way too comfortable in the midst of werewolves and faeries. The mundane looked like he was going to be a petrified statue by the end of this he was so out of his league. He didn't pay close attention to the others though, his mind was focused on the angel in front of him. Those handsome eyes set in his soft face. That was the first of many calls, texts and visits. He wasn't supposed to fall in love, not with a Shadowhunter and definitely not with him.

_Aku cinta kamu, I love you_ he had said to him, he wasn't lying. Love… and hopelessness. For he knew it would break him, both of them. Mortals have often dreamt about immortality but once you've been alive for hundreds of years, it isn't something you often wake up appreciating. Sure, you don't die, but what is good about it? You get to realize that every mortal you see and love will grow old and die, and you will be there to watch their kids grow up and have their own children. A permanent fixture of life. You will be there hundreds of years after them. You will see wars rage past you and witness the evolution of humans. Unless you get killed, and that's a thought he really didn't want to think about either for what was waiting for him beyond the veil of life was far worse than this.

Love was, difficult to say the least. He convinced himself to never get tired of life, to constantly try new things, but love was something he was always cautious of. He knew what would happen to them, to an immortal every time and each time, it did, and he struggled for a little bit, but each mourning period got less and less. He was starting to petrify. He would pick back up his life and continue. No excitement, no nothing.

He put in effort, you can't say he didn't. You can't just stop loving after all, but you can get bored of it. Then Alexander walked right up to his house and ran the doorbell to his apartment. Starting off, he had never had an interest in Shadowhunters but Alec just felt, right. He stayed around until one day as he stared at the sleeping face besides him, the sunlight filtering through his curtains and onto the lean figure next to his, he was struck with the realization that he was truly in love. Then que the flashbacks of long lectures and heartbroken warlock friends calling in about their once alive mortal lover. He didn't want to become one of those broken people. Love is powerful yes, but compared with time, it was insignificant. They were heartbroken and that wasn't something eternity was going to let up. It might dull and fade a bit but you always remembered the past. You had to, it was a constant reminder to be careful with whom you love and trust. He didn't want to go through that. Every time he felt himself slipping more, he repeated the words, _You aren't in love with him, it's just for fun, you can leave him whenever you want. _He kept chanting it in his head like a mantra, reciting it constantly until he realized it was too late, he was in love with Alexander Gideon Lightwood, a Shadowhunter of all people. Alec was just the perfect person for him. They moved in together and went on a romantic vacation all over Europe and it was perfect. Too much so. It was just a week ago that Magnus thought about it again, time. He would go and see Alexander grow up and get old and he would stay the same, timeless, it was a very depressing thought but it shocked him back to reality, it had to stop, somehow he had to end it, so he staged his own death. To be fair, he panicked.

They probably would find out the rouse later but Magnus would hopefully be long gone by then. Magnus sighed, battling feelings inside his head. He couldn't think about a life without him anymore. Alec helped cook and he would wake up at the crack of dawn to stare at his beautiful sun kissed face before starting work. He couldn't, it was too much. He started to breathe heavily and leaned against a nearby tree for support. _How was he going to live, how was he supposed to just pick back up how life? This is too spontaneous, I can make it last a little longer_, he repeated in his head as he tried to see the reasoning in the battle happening inside his head. On one hand, over time _he would get over it_, on the other, _Alec was perfect, why couldn't he keep him for a little longer? Yes! No! Yes! No! YES! _He shook his head, desperate to clear his thoughts. Maybe, maybe he could try and stay for a little longer…

Hi everyone, I hope you enjoyed this first chapter, remember, I'm fading this account to my one on AO3, if you want to read the rest of this, it will be out soon there. It's in the same username, Stironstep and the same title. Thank you guys so much, I love you all and a last farewell,

\- Stironstep


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